Whether It’s Sex Or Visitation, Withholding Is A Bad Plan


Whether it’s sex or visitation, withholding is a bad plan.  Why? Because, neither should be used as a tool to control another person.  Withholding almost always has a negative connotation, and for good reason.  People who withhold usually do so to gain power.

Let’s talk about contracts…I promise, it’s related.  I have to begin by stating that I’m NOT an attorney and you should always check with your lawyer before doing something stupid.  Contracts are something binding between two people.  Breaking the contract results in legal action.  It’s easier if you think of a contract as a law that is only imposed on the people who signed it.

So, you have a Marital Settlement Agreement, a Final Judgment, a Paternity Agreement, etc. (they are called many things but we will call it an “agreement” for our purposes here), with your ex, relating to your divorce and your children.  This usually includes a schedule for visitation and child support.  Understand that a breach of this contract, on either side, can result in a penalty for the person who failed to do their part, according to the agreement.

If you remember nothing, remember this:  just because one party doesn’t follow through with their contractual obligations does not mean you don’t have to.  If he/she doesn’t pay their child support, that does NOT mean that the other has the authority to withhold visitation of their children.

The beauty of child support is that the state regulates and tracks it (always pay it through the state, and if possible, straight from the paycheck to the state).  If they stop paying, the state (at least the state of Florida) will put out a warrant for their arrest.  You don’t have to do anything or file anything with the court.

Remember that contracts are basically laws that only pertain to those who sign it — always make sure to do your part.  If they don’t, they can be held in contempt by the court.  However, if you don’t do yours, then you are both in contempt for each of your individual breaches. Think of it this way, if the guy in front of you is speeding and you are following suit, does the police officer say that only the first person gets the ticket?  Hell no, they pull all your asses over and laugh as they go down the line and ticket you all.  You don’t get to break laws just because someone else does.

Withholding visitation is the fastest way to lose custody/visitation (custody is an outdated term unless DCF is involved).  The courts look at who is the most likely to foster a relationship with the child(ren)’s other parent.  If you are going to cut off your ex, expect the court to intervene.

Does that make your ex less of an asshole?  Of course not.  But I would be remiss if I said to do something that is spiteful, damaging to your children, and can cause you legal strife.  I know it’s a pain, and it takes too long because the courts are bogged down with plenty of asshole exes.  That being said, do it anyway.  Do it right the first time, and you can avoid the bullshit that goes along with the, “he said, she said,” and who should be punished, how much, and for how long.

Keep your nose clean and your head up, and remember that withholding visitation is a bad idea.

Revenge – A Dish Best Served While Pointing and Laughing


I receive so many emails from readers asking how to get back at their ex.  So many people tell me that while my approach helps, it’s just not enough.  Sometimes you just feel like you need revenge.  I completely agree.  So many quit therapy because their therapist constantly says to, “not let it in.”  Well, why didn’t I think of that?  I didn’t realize it was so easy!  With that in mind, I no longer need you.

I get it, you don’t want to respect their new spouse.  You don’t want to hear from the kids about how great your ex is doing, and how fabulous the new husband or wife is.  How all they do is take them places and buy them things.  Meanwhile, you are left doling out punishments, running to Michael’s praying it doesn’t close because your idiot kid didn’t tell you they had a project due in 30 seconds, and that you can’t afford to buy them all those things because you don’t make as much as their household.  It sucks.

All you do actually want to do is drunk dial them, and tell them where they can stick their social media photos of their last “family vacation,” which depict a family that you are no longer a part of.  You want to slash tires and put Nair into that bitch’s shampoo bottle.  You simultaneously hope he gets fired so he will be less smug, but also realize you cannot survive without the child support. Basically, every time you see her, you hope she trips and does real damage to her stupid face.

I really do get it.  All that said, I love you guys and really don’t want you to get arrested, or worse, lose your kids for doing something you cannot take back.  If you are reading this, then your kids are important to you, and you are trying. Don’t let the assholes get the best of you.  More importantly, don’t give them the satisfaction.

The best way to get back at them, is excel and exude confidence.  

I do not mean to go post endless pictures on Facebook of how “blessed” you are.  In case you don’t know, no one believes that shit.  Simply live your life.  While things are different, and you may miss some things, I would bet money that there are many things you DON’T miss and are glad to be rid of.  You are a viable person, and as the mother or father, you are irreplaceable.

You want to mindfuck your ex and their new significant other?  Walk into a room like you don’t care that they are there.  Wave to acknowledge him/her/them, or even go say, “hello,” if you think you can do it without “accidentally” stomping her foot with your stilettos.  [Sidenote:  Unless you can wear those without falling on your ass (I can’t), do not wear them while trying to look confident.  Many women look like a baby giraffe learning to walk.  This is a bad plan.]  Talk to people you know.  Interact with your kids.  If you don’t know anyone, invite a friend along. That way, you don’t end up feeling like an ass while you’re pretending to look at something on your phone because you have nothing else to occupy you.

Basically, fake it until you make it.

Eventually, and I know it doesn’t feel like it now, you really won’t care. Revenge won’t be a high priority anymore. You will go say, “hi,” because why not?  They are just some other people you know at this event.  You will chat with friends without constantly checking to see if he/she/they are looking at you.  You won’t care because this is another chapter of your life, and it’s OK that it doesn’t include them.  You will be confident, and it won’t be an act anymore.  You will laugh when they are petty or overly concerned with what you are doing.  You will be amused when they do something stupid, and the kids report back a less than perfect outlook (which you will never let your kids know you think is amusing).  Am I saying to revel in someone else’s pain?  Of course not!

OK, maybe a little….